One-liners
Here are some one-liners I’ve heard and read in my travels and saved to share with the world. Some are funny, others are sarcastic, and some are downright thought-inducing. They’re not useful except for a good giggle, or for ammunition in a war of wits.
Last updated: July 23rd, 2008
The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You’ll learn a lot today.
Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s within walking distance.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.
An “acceptable” level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
If you were me, you’d be awesome too.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres away from a kick up the arse.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
Do not mess with me. You will not win.
Smile if you want me.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
Do I look like a f*cking people person?
Women have to be in the mood, whereas men just have to be in the room.
I’m only smiling because I don’t know what’s going on.
It’s not paranoia if they really are after you.
Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.
I didn’t ask to be a Princess, but hey, if the crown fits…
I may not be perfect, but I’m so damn close that it scares me.
I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
Why do the weirdos always sit next to me?
Click here to see me naked
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Aww, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
I’m sorry, do I resemble your therapist?
If I throw a stick, will you go away?
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit” is said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot.
It’s not that I wish any harm to the guy, I’m just saying I could happily sit by while someone knocks his head off.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sh*t.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a f*ck.
How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?
Ahhh, I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
I’d love to help you but it’s 5:00pm.
You sound reasonable… time to up the medication.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
